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Coaching Challenge: Getting to Yes
By Jane Murphy with Khatun Huber,
Author of "What could happen if you do nothing?" A Manager's Handbook for Coaching Conversations

Every day at work involves some kind of negotiation, whether it's simply when to schedule a conference call, or a more complex issue such as where to cut costs on next year's budget. We wrestle with the pros and cons and usually come to consensus. . .or someone simply acquiesces and moves on.

However, there are occasions when issues become really thorny. Someone digs in and won't budge. "Getting to yes" is subverted by getting nowhere.
In this case, an individual is often identified as the problem: "He's so stubborn and won't listen to what I think should happen." "She thinks she knows all the answers, but this is more complicated than she realizes."

Coaching can help move people outside their comfort zone and beyond their "positions" by letting them deal with difficult personalities and find common ground. Managers who coach individuals and teams through these difficulties can guide a problem-solving process that may have benefits beyond the roadblock issue: the outcome may include greater self-awareness, improved communication, cost and time efficiencies, and more.

Coaching conversations can help to reframe a situation, enabling someone stuck in a position to look at it from another perspective, and consider others' viewpoints. For example, coaching can help someone with a negative outlook to see the pros instead of the cons; what is working rather than what isn't; what opportunities are out there vs. what barriers may exist.

Anticipating and planning for hurdles

Coaching might include role playing the worst that could happen, giving a "glass half empty" person the chance to test the likelihood of all those downside possibilities. Then there's the opportunity to anticipate the upside, and how to make it happen.

Appreciating different styles  
Coaching can help us better understand our work and communication styles, and those of co-workers. We can identify particular strengths and call upon them to facilitate cooperation. Appreciating different styles can open the way to better ways of collaborating and communicating, so all parties are heard and understood.
Thinking deeply
Finally, coaching's emphasis on engaged listening and deliberative questioning enables the coachee to think more deeply about threads and patterns -- when his coworker has not been unpleasant, when she has been more collaborative. Identifying these positive patterns can encourage more successful interactions going forward.

Thinking more deeply can also provide better insight into what triggers difficult exchanges in the first place, and ways to avoid those triggers in the future. Small behavior changes are the stepping-stones to healthier, more collaborative working relationships.

Because coaching is solutions-focused, managers who coach can help their people recognize and accommodate different styles and points of view in working to a common goal.  

What have you found works in working with difficult personalities?

© 2011 Jane Murphy with Khatun Huber, authors of "What could happen if you do nothing?" A Manager's Handbook for Coaching Conversations

Author Bios
Jane Murphy, author of What could happen if you do nothing?" A Manager's Handbook for Coaching Conversations, is a partner in Giraffe Business Publishing LLC and Giraffe LLC, a consulting firm that designs custom solution to help organizations improve their management capabilities of their people.  Jane also leads Giraffe's coaching engagements, working with clients to solve business and leadership challenges.  Jane has been principal and co-founder of several publishing ventures, including KIDVIDZ, which won numerous awards for its special-interest videos. She has received grants from the National Endowment for the Humanities and the Rockefeller Foundation and served as an adviser to Tufts University and Grolier Publishing. In addition to a master's in education, Jane has professional certification in executive and organizational coaching from New York University.  She also has a professional certificate from New York's Institute of Culinary Education and a diploma from the London Film School.  She is a member of the International Coaching Federation and the Women's National Book Association.  She has co-authored several books, including STAYTUNED! (Doubleday) and The Great Big Burger Book (Harvard Common Press.)  She speaks regularly on custom and special-market publishing.

Khatun Huber, co-author of What could happen if you do nothing?" A Manager's Handbook for Coaching Conversations, is a facilitator, writer and executive coach working with professionals in advertising, finance, and the scientific communities. A member of the International Coaching Federation, she is certified by New York University in executive coaching and organizational development.  She is also trained by Wilderness Medical Associates as a search-and-rescue professional specialized in remote environments and urban mass-casualty disaster scenarios.  A volunteer for the Red Cross Disaster Reserve, Huber also sits on the advisory board of, a nonprofit addressing childhood road traffic injury in Africa.  She has also been a regular commentator on Sirius (FM) radio on coaching and other subjects.

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