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The following is an excerpt from the book The Republican Playbook
by Andy Borowitz
Published by Hyperion; October 2006;$16.95US/$21.95CAN;
Copyright © 2006 Andy Borowitz

Diversity, and How to Pretend We Have it

One of the most persistent criticisms of the Republican Party is that we only represent a narrow sector of the American people, as opposed to the Democrats, the self-styled party of "diversity." Nothing could be further from the truth, because when it comes to diversity, nobody does it better than the GOP. We are the party of middle-class white males and upper-middle-class white males, tall white males and short white males, skinny white males and morbidly obese white males. We could go on, but we believe that we've amply made our point.

Even though our party is the paragon of diversity, we still get criticized by those whose definition of diversity means including women, minorities, and those who make under $500,000 a year. If that's what is meant by diversity, then it's possible the Republican Party is a wee bit less than diverse, which brings us to the subject of this chapter: If you don't have diversity, pretend to have it. And the best time to do that is every four years at our national nominating convention.

In the olden days, the Republican National Convention served the purpose of choosing the party's nominees for president and vice president. Since those decisions are now made far in advance of the summer gathering, during a multibillion-dollar negative-ad war known as the Iowa Caucuses, the Republican National Convention now has another purpose entirely: to trick the American people into believing that women and minorities play a large role in the Republican Party.

Truth be told, there are some women and minorities in the upper echelons of the party. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and former secretary of state Colin Powell are three prominent Republican African Americans, although Powell will continue to get less prominent by the day if he doesn't shut his piehole. And Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, a Hispanic, is one of the administration's leading advocates of torture. You don't get more Republican than that.

Still, that's only four people, and in a huge convention hall, those four faces can easily get lost in a sea of white ones. That's why when we put together our roster of convention entertainers, we always hire African American gospel choirs and R & B acts instead of musicians we actually like, like Lee Greenwood. Putting up with music we can't stand once every four years is a small price to pay for maintaining our hammerlock on the White House.

Excerpted from The Republican Playbook by Andy Borowitz. Published by Hyperion. Copyright © 2006 Andy Borowitz All rights reserved. Available wherever books are sold.