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The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex Excerpt from The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist

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Sex as Work: When Blow Jobs Become a Blo-cupation
by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist,
Authors of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

Though getting paid to have sex may sound like a dream gig, anything you do because it's your job has a way of becoming a lot less fun. There are three main types of sex work, each with its own job description and perks. The dress code tends to be pretty lax.

Erotic "Dancing"

Though erotic dancers insist they're "artists," their performances are little more than group ogling set to music. Add some clothes to the choreography and you'll see just how many art lovers stick around for the next song. To be fair, strip shows do possess a certain avant-garde quality given that they can happen anywhere: a table, a pole, a giant cake, the ever-changing contours of the human lap. Not even Shakespeare could have imagined that much of the world being a stage.

Prostitution

If you're willing to go the extra mile for a little more cash, then you may want to try your hand, mouth, penis, vagina, or any other body part you're willing to have violated at the sex-for-money racket. One of the few female-dominated industries, prostitution is the world's oldest profession, which isn't surprising considering every woman is born with a working storefront.

Like exotic "dancers," some prostitutes sugarcoat their job descriptions by saying they provide "massages" or "bodywork." This is absolutely correct. As far as customer satisfaction is concerned, prostitutes give some of the best, most relaxing massages known to man.

But be advised: in many parts of the world prostitution is illegal, and hookers turn to pimps for protection, fur care tips, and unsolicited physical motivation. (Think of them as "broken-life coaches.") In return, pimps receive a generous share of the profits, and if they're true 2 da pimpin' game, the remaining share of the profits. For this reason, prostitute retirement plans often rely on being a hooker with a heart of gold, meeting a wealthy businessman, and being whisked away to a life that doesn't involve buying penicillin in bulk. Unfortunately, this seldom happens, as any hooker with a real golden heart would see it confiscated by her pimp and melted down into teeth and goblets.

FUCKTOID

In cities like Amsterdam and Las Vegas, prostitutes have formed their own trade unions, a movement that ironically means dealing with even more scabs.

Pornography

You've jiggled your breasts for Japanese businessmen, you've had more sailors inside you than a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier, but despite all your efforts, you still don't feel like you're getting enough attention. If this is you, then you have what it takes to be a star! No, not a real star. A porn star.

As celebrities of the sex industry, porn stars enjoy the skin-crawling satisfaction that comes with knowing thousands of people have stared at you while masturbating (and a few of them may have actually paid for it!). Yet for all the exposure, there are quite a few downsides to being a smutsperson: the constant anal bleaching, the lurking possibility of contracting an STD, and perhaps worst of all, never getting to eat any of the freshly delivered pizza that so often introduces "extra sausage" into the plot.

On the bright side, adult film performers get to pick a fun porn name. In recent years, most aspiring stars have done this using the Zmenckamynkcis formula. Developed in 1980 by porn producer and mathematician Bob Zmenckamynkcis, the formula provided a group of people not known for their career savvy with an easy recipe for concocting a memorable nom de splooge:

fp + ST = Pn

(name of first pet) + (street you grew up on) = (your porn name)

For erotic performers the world over, Zmenckamynkcis's formula proved a veritable Ellis Island (somewhere Zmenckamynkcis's ancestors had obviously bypassed). Overnight, fresh young talent like Mittens Morningside, Nibbles Elm, Shadow Pudding, and even Ron Jeremy became household names, all thanks to Zmenckamynkcis's earthshaking discovery.

Yet for all its triumphs, the Zmenckamynkcis formula is not perfect. Like Einstein's theory of relativity, the pet/street paradigm has been shown to break down under extreme conditions, at which point it can produce some of the least sexy porn names ever conceived. Names like:

The above is an excerpt from the book The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Copyright © 2010 Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist, authors of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex